To Be or Not To Be Bold in A Crisis
Is it worth it to play it safe?
Despite any determination I may have had to press on through the disruptions brought on by a pandemic, plans were curtailed, abbreviated, delayed, postponed or outright cancelled. The positive vibes and mantras that habitually popped in my head after difficult ordeals tried to make an appearance to minimize any disappointment or failure. But after a while, faking fine no longer cut it. I had to get real, allow myself to feel the rollercoaster emotions without passing judgment or self-deprecation and take stock how I was living.
2020 has undoubtedly been a tough year for just about everyone but some saw glimmers of hope they latched unto that carried them part of the way. For me, it was an opportunity to find my purpose and that meant meeting my real self again — the woman who wasn’t a glossed over representation of her true self. The woman who wasn’t the constant workaholic, dreamer, survivor, but the natural woman beneath with opinions, feelings, flesh and blood and curly hair. I had to evoke her through a contentious disrobing, peeling off layers donned over the years to form a thick skin, releasing the brake on suppressed emotions, refraining from averting discerning eyes from the ugly and disdainful to face life’s truths. Spending copious amounts of time alone on the walking trail or sitting in the living room in soft loungewear helped to minimize the distractions and coax her to come out of her shell to a place that was safe.
Things were not OK.
I allowed myself to simply be so I could gently scrutinize, rummage through new, shelved and abandoned thoughts and rekindle the friendship I had with an impressionable girl who hid in the body of a relentless woman. The unresolved issues vied to be tackled first but it would take time to get through each one. The tough questions begged to be asked: how did I get here; where was I going; what’s my purpose and most importantly, was I happy? All the answers were the same. I don’t know.
There were still sixty seconds in a minute, sixty minutes in an hour, 24-hours in a day as time barreled ahead unfazed by the tribulations of a pandemic, but it was people’s behavior that changed that made it seem time had slowed. These times were unprecedented.
Life careened down a track unattended heading in whatever direction, whichever seemed most natural. The 2020 pandemic slammed the brakes and changed that. A disengaged autopilot forced me to drive. The hardest thing was seeing myself for whom I’d become instead of the person I thought I would’ve been at this stage; autonomously governed and controlled by a time-obsessed world that was now demanding more space.
One of the saddest things is a person living without finding or knowing his true purpose. This unwelcomed notion would make anyone feel vulnerable and anxious. It deflated my self-confidence, painted me guileless, rudderless, truth averse and that I was not thriving at all, just surviving.
Without a protective shield to bear the brunt of the pandemic, folks all around were losing their jobs, their healthcare, their loved ones and there wasn’t much they could do to change their circumstances. I could blindly and helplessly go with the flow, wait for the shoe to drop or be proactive to positively change the trajectory of my life. I played it safe only to ensure I followed the guidance of our public health officials to ensure there were no risk to others.
Change during a tumultuous time is twice as hard as there’s usually lesser opportunities and increased competition but time doesn’t care if you’re not ready. As the song goes, “Time won’t give me time.” Time only moves forward and onward. But with change in people’s behavior due to the pandemic, a reprieve opened where time seemingly slowed providing a clearer view that helped navigate life’s riptide. So, I took my one shot at self-preservation.
A referendum on taking life by the horns and live on purpose was long overdue. It took boldness to ask for the job; to tell the person I adore the way I really feel; take that trip to the supermarket. These are everyday things that were now frightening and risky not knowing if it was the right move in uncertain times. But, I’m that woman who does what’s necessary to survive when time is running out — the slowed malleable Matrix-type — hoping she got it right, unafraid and unashamed to live life on her terms.
It doesn’t take boldness for anyone to acknowledge their life is without purpose. Just honesty. Yet, even for the risk-averse, a crisis on occasion will reveal safe opportunities teeming with tremendous potential to be tapped before time runs out.
Copyright 2020 Greenstone Publishing.
